Jethro Nolen Explained

A

BRAIN - 5% used. Stores salient information involved in acquiring a B.S. in Psychology from Texas A&M University. Also the unwilling repository of trivial facts ranging from philosophy to the inane minutiae of pop culture. Probably also harbors a few rogue chemicals from the year I lived in Amsterdam.

B

HAIR - Chestnut Brown. Maintained by daily washing, rinsing and repeating (truth be known, sometimes I let the "repeat" part slip) with Pert Combined Shampoo and Conditioner for dry or damaged hair. Cut by SuperCuts. Average Yearly cost of haircare: $120. Note the majestic sheen.

C

RIGHT EYEBROW- Inquisitively perched. Indicative of an eagerness and curiousity not easily abated. Be careful, lest I creep across a piece of information that you prefer to be undiscovered. The right eyebrow is the investigative journalist of my face.

D

FOREHEAD - Meditatively furrowed. The thick folds of forehead skin house all of the troubles and woes of the world. Seldom is my brow free from weighty matters such as "How can I procrastinate more?" or "Which is funnier: Broccoli or Kumquat?" When the advertising agencies finally take over the world and enslave the human race, this will be the first part they claim.

E

EAR - Conchally seductive. Usually listening to jazz or classical music, National Public Radio, or one of these folks. Whisper into it, and you'll be in good company. In perfect working order, right down to the basilar membrane. If you say something to me and I don't respond, it's because I'm ignoring you.

F

EARLOBE - Unpierced. I've never felt the need to justify my earlobes by cutting a hole into it and hanging a piece of decorative metal from it. And why should I? They justify themselves. Earlobes are Nature's earrings.

G

LEFT EYEBROW- Winsomely petulant. You want to scold me, don't you. But as soon as you see set eyes on this bit of facial topography, you can't. I'm just a knave, afterall. And not your pie-stealing knave, no sir/ma'am. I'm a jack....a one-eyed jack. I'm wild.

H

EYES - Hazel-Green. I'm told they look blue. I'm usually told this when I'm wearing a blue shirt. Am I a chameleon? The Zelig of the 21st Century? Perhaps, although it's more likely that some people are colorblind. If eyes are the windows to the soul, my soul is often confused for blue. Also notice the twinkle. This twinkle will eventually become a child.

I

CHEEK - Chubby and barren. A breeding ground for what I'll euphemistically call "baby fat," my cheeks are incapable of growing a visible amount of facial hair. Perhaps any hairs are drowned in fat. Perhaps not. In the play based on the Diary of Anne Frank, there is a line from Dr. Dussel, the dentist (Anne's name for Secret Annex resident Fritz Pfeffer). After Anne gives Peter a razor for Hanukkah, Dr. Dussel caustically remarks that he could get rid of any whiskers by putting some milk on it and "have the cat lick it off." Peter angrily retreats to his room. I know exactly how he felt!

J

NOSE - Tragic, delicate. One day in the future, the hairs within will grow wild and bushy, beyond my control. But then it will be too late, I will be senile.

K

MOUTH - Probably the most popular part of my face, both domestically and abroad. The above picture is one of the only times you're likely to see it closed. Things that go in it: Ben & Jerry's Low Fat Frozen Yogurt (Chocolate Fudge Brownie), pasta, pasta, pasta, Water, and broccoli. Things that come out of it: Carbon Dioxide, vituperative wit, and poorly prepared sauces.

L

CHIN - Unremarkable.

M

TIE - Casually loosened, deceptively purchased. Like the suit, owned by a patron of Banana Republic stores. It was returned shortly after the photographic session which yielded the above picture. I make it a point not to own fashionable clothes.

Back to Jethro's Homepage..........Email Jethro